In last year’s debate about which women should appear on the $20 bill, two names were conspicuously absent: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Maybe it was because they couldn’t fit two faces on the bill, or maybe it was because the twins released New York Minute (very hard to forgive that one). Regardless, let it be known that I’m totally DTO (Down To Olsen), and perhaps the most DTO person on the planet — with the possible exception of Olivier Sarkozy. So, when Refinery29 contacted me to delve deep into the Olsens' history and decode the (dark brown) roots of their success, my only response was, “YOU GOT IT, DUDE.” What would your life be like, if you quite literally couldn’t remember a time when you weren’t a millionaire? It’s a question I ask myself every morning, and it’s an answer that the Olsen twins are currently living. The duo started making bank as babies, and amassed a net worth of $100 million dollars before they could even drink. One could summarize the Olsens’ success in two simple steps:
Step 1: Be born.
Step 2: NEVER STOP WORKING.
But those two steps are a somewhat simplistic, and fail to truly capture how America’s Fav Twins have managed to maintain cultural relevancy for their entire lives. So I’ve come up with a top 10 list, that unlocks the secrets of the Olsen triumph trajectory. It may be too late for most of us out there, but if you’re a baby with nothing to lose, here’s a primer on how to become an Olsen twin.
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1. Play Michelle Tanner
As a child, I thought that Michelle Tanner was a comedic genius on par with Seinfeld. Each week, I would plant myself in front of the television and breathlessly await the delivery of a, “You got it dude,” the transcendent sass of a, “No way, Jose!” or (please, god), the incisive condescension of, “You’re in big trouble, mister!” Even the distractingly sexual presence of Uncle Jesse could not deter me from bathing in the mirthful riches of Michelle’s brilliance.
Here’s a tip: If you want to be successful, MAKE AMERICA FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. And then parlay that love into a straight-to-video series of low-budget movies, which will make you gobs of cash and serve as the foundation of a $100-million-dollar empire.
2. Release A Wildly Successful Series of Shitty Straight-to-Video “Films”
Here is perhaps the greatest triumph of the Olsens’ career: They made millions of dollars as actresses despite the fact that they CANNOT ACT THEIR WAY OUT OF AN $11,500 HOBO BAG OF THEIR OWN DESIGN. This act of dark magic outshines even the greatest illusions of Criss Angel Mindfreak.
The Olsens chose to use their particular brand of sorcery to convince children everywhere to clamor for the dead-eyed non-charm of such home-video classics as, Billboard Dad, To Grandmother’s House We Go, and Passport to Paris. Even in their earliest efforts, the Olsens' ruthless business acumen was on display: The seminal single “Brother For Sale (Only 50 Cents)” reveals a sociopathic pragmatism and a willingness to sell off family members if necessary.
As a child, I consumed these videos with a rabid enthusiasm. As a stoned college student, I rewatched them all repeatedly. To this day, nothing makes me laugh harder than the Diane Keaton-influenced eyewear featured in the pop classic, The Waiting Game. In other words, these videos are cheap gifts that miraculously keep on giving. They also gave MK and Ash “fuck you money,” which would eventually come in handy when they said a much-needed “fuck you” to their acting careers.
3. Learn From New York Minute
If there’s one thing the Olsens learned from the ill-fated theatrical release of New York Minute, it was that they couldn’t act. But they weren’t the only ones shaken by this revelation…we ALL were. The millions of kids who had grown up believing in the singing-acting-dancing talents of the Olsen twins were treated to a disillusionment second only to The Lie Of Santa Claus.
As a result, the film died a fiery death at the box office. But instead of crawling into a Jodie Sweetin-inspired meth-cave, the Olsens rose from the ashes and reinvented themselves as homeless-chic phoenixes.
4. “Attend NYU.”
Because “a college education is important,” even if you are already the co-president of Dualstar Entertainment Group, a multimillion-dollar corporation.
5. Leave NYU.
Because “lol.”
6. Go away for two years, live off your riches, inspire collective cultural amnesia about your past, then found The Row in 2006 and convince the world you are fashion designers.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
7. Actually Make Good Clothes That Win Major Awards.
The ultimate twist in the Olsens’ career: Unlike their aforementioned lack of talent in the entertainment arena, the Olsens actually have a talent for design. There are other employees at Refinery29 who are far better qualified to tell you WHY their clothes are good, but the fact that they have won the CFDA Womenswear Designer of the Year Award twice is, in my opinion, enough to forever clean the cultural stain that was New York Minute. The Olsens have finally tapped into their true talent: designing clothing that the fashion backward Tanner Family wouldn’t have been caught dead in — which is precisely the point.
8. Run Into ME at a Film Premiere
My path once crossed with Mary Kate Olsen’s at the film premiere of my friend’s documentary. I would like to think that this brief encounter resulted in a Butterfly Effect-type fate spiral, which eventually led to the twins winning multiple CFDA awards. Even if it didn’t, it was fun to watch Mary Kate dance awkwardly with Catherine Keener all night (8a. Chill with CATHERINE KEENER).
At this same party I also witnessed Courtney Love trip on a set of stairs, so needless to say it was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
9. JUST SAY “NO” TO FULLER HOUSE
The Olsens set a shining example for the rest of America when they said “NO” to the Fuller HouseNetflix reboot. I refuse to let Cameron Candace Bure (a.k.a. America’s Next Top Elisabeth Hasselbeck) hijack the vehicle of my favorite childhood memories — and apparently the Olsen Twins agree. The twins were in fact approached about starring in the series by executive producer and star John Stamos, but turned down the offer. For those of you not fluent in Olsen, here’s my translation of their alleged reasons (as told by Bob Boyett to People Magazine):
Ashley: “I have not been in front of a camera since I was 17 and I don't feel comfortable acting.”
Translation:“Get the fuck away from us, Uncle Jesse. You’ve just become creepy and we’re not going to destroy our rebrand just to appear in your ill-conceived CASH GRAB.
Mary Kate: “The timing is so bad for us.”
Translation: “LOL.”
10. Make A Thinly Veiled Promise to Run For President at the Age of Six
In case you were worried about who is going to challenge Kanye in 2020 for the Democratic nomination, look no further than this Mary Kate and Ashley music video from 1998 entitled: “No One Tells The President What To Do.” The video features oddly prescient lyrics that seem to foreshadow an eventual bid for the presidency. Knowing what we now know about the Olsens, it’s hard to hear these driven six-year-olds sing lyrics like, “I’m heading down to Washington to get sworn in,” and not take them seriously.
But only one Olsen can truly be president, which leads us to perhaps the most important question yet: In the event that the Olsens do, in fact, make a play for the White House, which one becomes VICE President? Any Olsen fan will tell you there’s no acceptable answer to this question. The only possible solution would be to elect Michelle Tanner as president, essentially assigning both Olsens to play one character. To elevate one Olsen above another is to destroy the very concept of “Olsen.” “Olsen” is an inseparable professional unit; “Olsen” is based in duality; “Olsen” is a titanium brand; “Olsen” is an ever adaptable and continually successful presence in American commerce. It is, after all, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, never Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen. Two heads, especially those of the most famous twins in the nation, are better than one.
In the end, the success of the Olsens can perhaps best be encapsulated in the following sentence: Getting There sometimes means Switching Goals, but if you’re up for The Challenge, you’ll need more than one Passport to Paris to attend fashion week: It Takes Two to get your Holiday in The Sun.
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